I wake up every morning, yearning for the warmth that was not there.
I have nightmares.
They have been with me for as long as I could remember. I don’t think there’s a specific trauma that triggers these dreams. Every dream is different. It shows places I haven’t been to before. It shows faces I haven’t seen before. Sometimes I see myself, sometimes I feel myself following someone else’s journey.
I used to think my sadness caused these series of horror movies. I felt like the shadows on my wall don’t sleep. I felt like I was drowning in the water of my soul. Even when the difficult period of my life passed, my nightmares didn’t. They stayed. They got worse.
Like love, you might not be able to explain the moment you fall in love because you haven’t admitted that much to yourself. You might not be able to explain your nightmares; you just feel that they were there.
Even the most toxic relationship has its good moments. You play with it, painting darkness and catching fire in the process. Sometimes you couldn’t even tell what went wrong.
Nightmares are like simulation.
You told me my nightmares aren’t real, but they are the most real thing I’ve ever felt. Sometimes you’re just not the same person after waking up from just one dream.
I wake up from my nightmares, feeling like I had just been through a horrible break up. And it happens over, over, and over again. Something about it just makes you cry, you know. Something you can’t exactly pinpoint.
They may depict realistic or imaginary situations. Either way, my nightmares influence my beliefs and the way I make some big decisions in life. They may not be real, but they depict the thoughts I was too scared to think when I was awake.
In a way, they depict a part of me.
After each dream, I would just stare at the ceiling seeing the same room I had fallen asleep in, feeling like I lost a piece of me. Sometimes your dreams connect you with yourself. The parts of you that you’re too ashamed to bear. The parts of you that your brain believes to be too naive to accept.
Your nightmares communicate some of the deepest fear inside of you in a language you can’t quite understand. Language, I believe, was created to communicate feelings, not the other way around.
Whoever truly loves you won’t tell you your feelings aren’t real. They would always look out for you but would always give you just enough space to be you. They feel the truth but would still give you the opportunity to figure it out for yourself.
They know the best part about healing is the journey.
There exist people who will ask about your nightmare and imagine it like a movie. When you find them, you feel like nightmares aren’t that hard to talk about. All it takes is somebody who is willing to listen. They wouldn’t even care if they could help. They just wanted to. And somehow, that’s more than enough.
There exist people who will chase your nightmares away.
Until then, you wouldn’t believe that pain could be compromised.