I’ll break your heart so you don’t break mine. ―The Chainsmokers
The owner of this story asked XFINITE to keep their identity private.
On the day we fell in love, you told me you’d never seen anyone as beautiful as me. You told me I was your first just like you were my first. I have to admit that you were a pretty good liar. I handed you my brand new heart, but yours was already wrapped in caution tape.
Do you remember the first time we kissed? It was my first kiss. I panicked and pulled away, but you forced me into it. I pulled away three times; you forced me back three times. My lips were always swollen after each of your kisses. My lips were always swollen in our entire relationship. At one point, I wondered if it would ever heal.
I never got to know if I was your first kiss. Whenever I asked, you started punching walls, breaking Rubik’s Cube, hitting the table, or gritting your teeth. You defensively stated that a relationship wouldn’t work without trust. How could I trust you if you never let me in?
I knew we’d never work, but I wanted you. Remember the day I told you that I had a dream of marrying you? That was the day you got to read that part of my diary. You told me if I let you read everything in the diary, you’d tell me the entire history of you. You stole my diary a few times, so where was the history?
We were playing Personality Test and Harry Potter quizzes. At the end of one quiz, you clicked on a recommended quiz which said Do You Miss Your Ex? I didn’t know which question was more important. Did you miss your ex? Or did you have an ex?
One time, we hang out with two of my best friends. You sat next to my best friend with your hands on hers. You never noticed I got so upset and left. I heard that you carried her all the way to the top of the building. You never carried me; you always said I was too heavy. Care to tell me what happened after that? You were alone with my best friend for three hours.
I was driving you home when we came across your dad. You just freaked out. When I stopped to look at you, you just told me to speed up. It’s like you’re so ashamed of me you don’t even want him to see my face. The same things happened when we came across many of your female friends.
Why did you take me to the movie if all you did was looking at your phone? During the movie, it rang a dozen times. You were just desperate for the company. Your soul never went to the movies with me. Neither did your attention.
One time when we fought, you told me you never really loved me. You always said that our love was a game. You told me you bet with some guy that you had what it takes to court a girl like me. I was nothing but your gambling project.
The day we fell in love you told me you’d never seen anyone as beautiful as me. When I reminded you that, you just laughed your ass off. You said you’d never say something that stupid. You said if I ever gained more weight, you would just dump me.
Neither of us was good at goodbyes. We parted ways just like old romantic movies. We decided to be together, yet you instinctively turned right as I turned left. It was like the universe dropped us a sign that there was no point to be together anymore.
I met you a year after we broke up. You were still so private, yet so open when it comes to your new crushes. You knew I was still in love with you, yet you had to tell me that you forgot what it was like to be in love with me. You blame your parents that you were flawed, that we can’t be together.
When I told you that I was going to give up on you, you said you were sorry. You said you took it all back. You told me not to leave you. You wished you could hug me tightly. You sent me the song Who Am I to Stand in Your Way by Chestersee. Poor you, baby! You never knew I found that song on your new crush’s timeline.
I know I never mentioned the good and sweet parts of you that made me stay. I know I never mentioned the bad and horrible parts of me that tear you apart. I never said I was sorry despite your trillion apologies.
I wanted so much to fix you, but I couldn’t. I had thought that everything was possible until then. That doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved. It only means I’m not the one for you.
I’m sorry that I made sure you were hurt as much as you hurt me. I want to tell you that I forgave you. I want to tell you that I’m okay now. What you need to do is face what you did and forgive yourself. Stop letting those things explode inside you. It’s going to get you nowhere.
No matter what you do, make her happier than I ever was.
© VITAK CHEAV