Why We Choose the Wrong People

We accept the love we think we deserve. ― Stephen Chbosky

xfinite_sociology_why we choose the wrong people

Most of us are not likely going to end up with the person in our wildest dreams. In fact, most of us are not even going to choose the person who is right for us. That has everything to do with our definition of “love”. What does love mean to you?

Choose one. (or not).

Love is unrequited. This is a fairytale with a dreadful ending. The Prince Charming never came. Cinderella never dropped her glass slipper. The shining armors were torn apart. The love happened only in the imagination as sorrow rots through our heart.

We choose the wrong people because they feel so right. We somehow think we deserve them. We do. In our definition. We’ve tried so hard for them to love us. They don’t. We never stop to think that maybe their definition of love is different from ours.

It is flattering to be wanted. It is also frightening to know that we only love them more because they would never feel the same. But if they do, do they love us or do they love the version of us chasing after them?

Love is an escape from loneliness. The world is a nasty place. You are afraid of pain so you stay with the person who wants you more. You are scared of being alone so you keep looking for love. You want to make sure someone is there when you are unhappy.

You are addicted to the company. You need to be listened to. You demand a helping hand for your heavy baggage in life. A shoulder to cry on. A magic pill to recovery. A ticket to temporary happiness.

You need a dummy. A robot which cites poems and sings songs. A machine of love which keeps satisfying your needs. Warm your bed. Take care of your children. Please your parents. Let you die in its arms. Tell me, my friend, is that love?

Love is linked to the past. Love is pain. A replacement for someone who is long gone. A constant comparison to the past lovers. A competition with yourself because of the better you who previously did a better job. An unintentional expectation from childhood.

We need the love that we can’t take for granted. Whatever emotion we were offered when we were children, it determines who we are and how we love now [1]. If we were bruised, our flesh and blood thrive for a broken love. Every piece of us links us back to the start. To one point, one memory which defines us more than it ever should.

Of course, we know it is bad. But just because something is bad doesn’t mean it can’t feel right. It feels so right. So familiar. So at home. Are we stupid for letting love torture us? We know it is trauma, but we think it is a beautiful trauma.

You know what?

Love is simple. The hard part is whether you are willing to see beyond the obvious. Don’t expect too much. You think that “the one” should know everything about you. But they are human too. If you do not tell them, how can they start to develop clues?

Accept that your lover is imperfect. Love is an everyday process. You might or might not belong in the categories above. But here is a secret! You don’t get stuck in one category. It is never too late for you to find the right person.

Remember that your right person is not magically made. They are right because of the little things you build with them. They are right because of the connection you share each day. Love should be warm, happy, and easy. Love should be…love.

You cannot love the wrong person. Or else it wouldn’t be love.

Would it?



8 thoughts on “Why We Choose the Wrong People

  1. “Love is an escape from loneliness…You are afraid of pain so you stay with the person who wants you more…”

    Sometime people fear of or are just afraid of pain so they stay with just themselves. They prefer to not be in a relationship and be alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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