The Final Breath

Even death has a heart. ―Markus Zusak

xfinite_humanity_the final breath

Some people say the thoughts before we die would determine where we go in the afterlife.

The pain of death alone is unmeasurable.

Pain + Remorse = Agony

There are things we wish could be unseen. There are deeds we wish could be undone. Since humans are wired to mess up, the things that we do could never be all pleasant. Some people taste all the bitter parts of life before it gets sweet. Some of the best people choose to be good after all the bullet holes they cannot heal.

We all need each other even if it is hard to admit. The purpose of life is to love and to be loved. But somewhere in the process, somebody inevitably does something that causes scars to someone else’s heart. They say that forgiveness is giving the hate less space in the heart. But “even angels have their wicked schemes”.

When I was five years old, I swore to myself that I was never going to have a boyfriend. When I was seven, I told myself that I was always going to love my best friend. When I was nine, I was the best student in my school and I thought that all rules were meant to be followed. When I was ten, I promised my grandma that I would always share her bed and take care of her.

Guess what? My first best friend forgot me when she turned eight years old, which had led to the first crack in my heart. I started dating when I was fourteen. All the rules and the fixed mindset bought be a ticket to depression land. My grandma left the bed, the shadow of her warmth trailing behind her.

The point is you don’t control most things in life. You don’t control all the terrible stuff that happens to you. You don’t control how people feel, what people face, and how they reflect it back to you. You don’t control the change although your gut cannot catch up. But you can choose how you respond to it.

Grandma died from uterus cancer. To most people, cancer took her life. To me, she beat cancer. I stood there, staring at her lifeless body and wondering what a miracle it was that the universe granted me a chance to be with her. I didn’t cry.

I don’t think grandma remembered that I took care of her during her last moments. I don’t think she would remember anybody being there. However, I was lucky enough to see the way she looked at grandpa when he came to say goodbye. It wasn’t like any Hollywood movies I have seen. No, it wasn’t. It was something out of this world. It was pure love, love, love. It was as if she was communicating with grandpa through her mind, telling him he was worth every particle of her body. She was telling him he was worth dying for; he was worth every second of her beating heart. She was telling him that there exists her universe and it will always be entirely his.

Grandma beat cancer in ways no other humans could. She died three days after her diagnosis. It was a quick one. She didn’t scream. She didn’t even show her pain. She just laid there quietly, letting go. I didn’t cry because I knew she was in pain, but she wasn’t suffering. She had left the bed, but her love will never leave.

Grandma beat cancer because she was never afraid. When I was six, I asked her if she had been afraid of death and she said no. She said if death came tomorrow, she would accept it. I didn’t understand it back then. But I know now that she didn’t beat herself for her mistakes, didn’t dwell on the bad decisions she had made, didn’t bother slapping the hate away.

Grandma had looked death in the eyes and death blinks first. She welcomed the pain, unafraid. She welcomed her sorrow, unregretted. She welcomed her end, fearless. It doesn’t matter if all the bad things were there. She let them be. Because she knew she had given all her love. She knew her heart was free.



16 thoughts on “The Final Breath

  1. “The point is you don’t control most things in life…But you can choose how you respond to it.”
    I do agree with you. How you respond to it is also critical. Being able to realize this fact is already good. Desperately wanting to control or to have everything in life happen the way your want it to be will bring you nothing but pain.

    “I stood there…I didn’t cry.”
    Witnessing your love one’s last breath could be a very unique and memorable experience. I witnessed my father’s last breath. Speechless, but didn’t cry as well. I will always remember that look on his face. So will you? I believe.

    “She died three days after her diagnosis…She just laid there quietly, letting go.”
    Not a lot of people are that fortunate. I don’t know if it is even appropriate to take death as being fortunate. Many people had to go through all the suffering and pain long before they could go.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. “To have everything in life happen the way you want it to be will bring you nothing but pain”. It is true. If everything can be your way, life would not be a struggle. If it wasn’t a struggle, it would not be beautiful. Just like the perception of beauty. If it can be seen by everybody, perhaps it would not be as beautiful.

    I will always remember the look in my grandma’s eyes once she let go. It will always be in the back of my mind, reminding me that every beauty in this world comes with a cost. Sometimes great beauty like “her love” cannot be paid by anything but the end. I believe we share the same value when we didn’t cry. I believe we think that crying is for the living. Not for the love of the life that fades away.

    I understand your good intention by the word “fortunate”. I personally believe slow and painful death is more terrifying as well. If the soul shall leave, perhaps it is better for it to leave quick. Perhaps it is more devastating to see her suffer longer. After all, it was time to let go. It’s the memories that stayed.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Vitak,
    Extraordinary recollection.
    I’d barely turned 15 when my Mom was buried. About two years later, I stood graveside at my Dad’s funeral. Though I’ve blogged about some of this – feel like I may need to further explore it all.

    The Final Breathe you write about is something many humans fear. Unfortunately, most people fear The Wilderness-es of life. It is ALL The Wilderness-es that prepare our hearts/minds for the moment we traverse beyond the physical into the Supernatural. Thank you for sharing this.
    Be Blessed, Kenzel

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Kenzel,

      Thank you so much for sharing. My grandpa passed away 1 year after my grandma. Without her, grandpa lost himself, his hope, and his ability to continue. He did try to hide it with the smile that did not quite reach his eyes. I guess losing the love of your life could do that to a person.

      So many people are afraid of the end, but still fail to live their life to the fullest. The supernatural world is not something everyone is comfortable with; humans are designed to fear what they cannot understand. For me, I think there have always been colors in every path we take. I think that seeing the beauty of all colors would help us let go when the time comes.


      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, beautiful!!! “Life is a poetry” just like you said. The more “we dance in the rhyme scheme”, the more beautiful it becomes. Keep shining 🙂


    1. Who are we but a speck of dust within the galaxy? Death is a part of us. We brought death from our birth. What are we good for if we do not accept ourselves? I am so glad you understand. Such a BIG honor.


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